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A Week At The Gym - One Man's Story

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Posted 25 May 2004 - 07:21 PM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.

Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
Personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.................

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to
her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why
would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other junk too.

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
an hour late it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work
out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's
room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine - which I sank.

I hate that heifer Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than
a sandwich.(Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended
and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want
to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife
(the devil) will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root canal or a

#2 Derek


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Posted 01 July 2004 - 10:12 AM

Hahaha...beautiful. :p Typical woman. :p

#3 caio-06


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Posted 01 July 2004 - 03:58 PM

haeouaheouaeh a little chauvinist

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