Math Teacher Arrested
Posted 05 April 2005 - 09:17 PM
AT NEW YORK's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later discovered
to be a public school teacher - was arrested trying to board a flight
while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a
calculator. At a morning press conference, the U. S. Attorney General
disclosed that he believes the man to be a member of the notorious
al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y'
and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with
coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles
used to argue, there are three sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has
shown us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these
math-dogs, who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard.
Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of
influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root,
make our point, and draw the line."
The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the
potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never
before seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to
factor in random facts of vertex."
The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would say, read
my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they
continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse
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